Who's gonna pay?

Have you heard the story of the elderly couple that began eating healthy food to prolong their lives? Every morning they longed for bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy but ate only bran flakes. In their late 80s, both die in a car crash and wind up at the pearly gates of a heavenly Leisure World. Welcomed by Saint Peter, they're told there are no club house costs, association fees, green fees or dues.

"Everything has already been paid for," says Saint Peter. The old fellow looks at his wife and says, "We could have gotten here 10 years ago if we hadn't eaten all those bran flakes."

The Bible is a historical record, and I believe it's the inspired word of God. The Bible isn't just one book. It's 66 books, written separately by 40 different people that were kings and shepherds, prophets and fishermen, doctors and tax collectors. None collaborated with the other, but the theme is the same throughout the book: creation, love, fall and redemption by the grace of God.

Jesus' first miracle was at a wedding party when He turned water to wine. But some preachers seemed determined to convince folks that it was really grape juice, just like that passed out on Sunday for the Lord's Supper. That left me conflicted. I had learned to read and accepted the Bible as the literal word of God. The Bible said wine.

That's when I realized that it wasn't uncommon for preachers to edit the Gospel to suit an agenda. Some preachers began to take on the mantel of professional Pharisees, seemingly with a haunting fear that someone somewhere out there might be laughing, dancing and enjoying the taste of grapes that had fermented a while back.

It appears lately that speechifying in King James English is being used to advance all sorts of agendas. Just the other day I heard, "Verily I say unto you: He who would not teach his brethren to fish, but would taketh fish from one who hath fished to feedith himself and giveth the fish to one who hath not bought a pole nor bait is a socialist." That's not a quote from a conversation Jesus had with a guy named Verily. I believe it came from somebody running for congress.

Quoting the Bible and asking WWJD's (that's "What Would Jesus Do" questions) is common practice among astute politicians. About raising taxes, they say "from those that have been given much, much is expected." If it's forcing everyone to buy health insurance they ask, "Are we our brothers keeper?"

It was Woody Allen that said, "I believe there's something out there watching over us ... Unfortunately, it's the government."

Seventy percent of the American populace professes a belief in God and Christian churches outnumber all other religious edifices 200 to 1. But a line in a founding document about being "endowed by our creator" has caused some consternation among those that can't relate to anything more important than themselves. Mere mortals are deciding at what stage unborn muscle, bone and beating hearts become a human being. So a lesser god was created that's tolerant of all things and never asked for obedience. We named him Supreme Being. Now it appears the Supreme Being for a lot of the populace is the government.

Some folks are fulfilling their spiritual needs in huge, tax-free edifices with business managers, executive staff and a host of sub-ministers. Others are getting their religious instruction from tele-preachers selling C Ds, "No-Evil Oil" and little "prayer cloths". Some are telling folks Jesus will make them rich if they'll "sow seeds" and send money to keep the "ministry" on TV. It's only my opinion, but I believe this is where fools and some money will part.

Some do the right thing too late and the wrong thing too soon, and most of us will have to wait for our expiration date to find out if we've made a difference. The number of days won't matter. It will still take our lifetime to become what we end up being, and what we've done for others is the only thing that'll count.

I know the list of things I've done for others isn't long enough to get me through the gates of heaven's Leisure World. But I'll get in because, like Saint Peter told the bran flake eaters, "Everything has already been paid for." It was paid by my Lord three days before that first Easter morning.

Ken Byler is a Star columnist, an author and artist. Email him at kbyler@tx.rr.com.

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